I have a special friend that I get to work with on a regular basis.  His name is James.  I love him so much! 

Anyway, I brought in a game today designed for James.  He has been playing Candy land somewhat repetitiously with me lately , so it was designed around this motivation  Also, when asked a question in which he needs to state his opinion he typically says something like "everything", or "nothing" or "I don't know", so I wanted to give him some practice stating his opinion.

I had printed off pictures of Candy Land characters from Google Images.  I taped them to a wall and put an animal balloon around them like a licorice rope.  I then had a cowboy hat and a tape mustache and I myself was "Lord Licorice."  I had captured all of the CandyLand Characters  and put them under a secret spell and would only let them go when James answered a "secret" question.

Well, James promptly removed my "licorice rope", wrapped it around his foot and started talking about his latest obsession Viki - a mouse from Angelina Ballerina that he saw once and whom he would really like to live with him, despite the fact that she is a cartoon character who does not exist outside of the movies.   Following James lead, I too started lamenting about Viki not being with us.  She probably could help these Candy Land characters if she were here.   (this technique is incorporating a child's motivation into the current game) I wrapped some tape around my foot and we talked about how we wished the "real Viki" was with us even though we knew that could probably not happen.  James does not appreciate when we try to pretend to be Viki or make games with her not there (which is normally a technique I would try when a child likes characters).  I tried putting tape across the characters for more licorice rope, but James just kept removing it.  I did a dance of going with James motivation and talking about Viki and then trying to bring him back to my game.  I laughed aloud like Lord Licorice might and said "even Viki would not be powerful enough to break the spell on these characters."  Again, I tried putting up more tape, and James kept taking it down.  Playfully I said "Hey if you keep taking my licorice rope I am going to tie YOU up".  James reached out and grabbed the tape again, with a grin and a mischevious gleam in his eye, and I knew I had him.

James is a very physical guy who loves rough and tumble, but I always make sure to give him control and he knows if he says "stop," I will.  I tackled James and tickled him while I wrapped his legs in masking tape.  He laughed and laughed as he easily broke through my "licorice rope".   I taped him up again all while pretending I was Lord Licorice and he was "foiling my plans".  Once I knew James was really motivated - he was giggling up a storm, I introduced my challenge again.  I knew that James liked breaking through the tape, so I told him that I was going to ask him questions and if he didn't say either "Lord Licroce" or "Candy Land" as the answer I would tie him up again.  I asked him "what is your favorite toy to play with your brother?", when he replied "Lincoln Logs", I celebrated him (because this is something he normally does not do), and then Lord Licorice acted "angry" and tied  him up again because he didn't say "Candy Land".  James LOVED it!   Over and over again he answered questions with his own opinon to see Lord Licorice get worked up and to break free from the tape.

So, there are several lessons to be learned here.  First of all, kids love big reactions, so getting angry and worked up over something they did, may just be exciting for them and encourage them to do it again. So save the big reactions for the playroom and when celebrating.  2 - When my initial game didn't work out, I didn't push it on James or give up.  Instead I went with James biggest current motivation and found a way for the game to work for him.  3 - I waited until he was really motivated until I worked on his challenges  4 - Once he was really motivated it wasn't very challenging for him to work on his "challenges"

Play is so powerful for all of us, and specific games can be really helpful in working on challenges.  However we must also be flexible and willing to try new paths to connect, because often times the most powerful games arise in the moment, when we are most in tune with our child.

Happy playing!
love,
Katrina

This child's motivations were chase and space.  The goal was answering questions requiring his opinion.

 Using my good friend "google images", I printed off a bunch of pictures of aliens.  I taped these all over the room before my friend entered.  We also had a toy rocket ship (you could print this out too or make your own). When he came in I told him the aliens had invaded and they were on a mission to find out more about him.  We needed to help them get back to their planet, but they wouldn't leave until they had their questions answered.  When I touched the alien I put it on my forehead and it "took over my body", the alien asked a question, such as "what do you like to do outside?", or "what's your favorite breakfast food?"  When my friend answered, he was chased and hugged by the alien (his biggest motivation).  The alien was then immobilized and could be moved to the rocket ship safely.  It was a huge hit, and I'm sure this game can be modified in many ways.  Here are a few:

Attention Span Goal - Just put up the aliens and help your child find them and put them in the rocket ship.
                             -Use a laundry basket as the rocket ship and zoom around the room, collecting the aliens    
                             -Hide the aliens around the room and put clues to the next alien on each one

Eye Contact Goal - Similar game as the original described except no question, but you can only chase your child after they have looked for a predetermined amount of time.

There are many more ways to play this, if you would like share your ideas in the comments section!  Happy Playing!

Joey is my brother in law.  He is 26 and lives with his fellow special friends in a group home in North Dakota.  He doesn't talk much, and mostly communicates through grunts, pulling you in different directions, or hugs. He has a lot of physical challenges, he shakes his head a lot, and its not very easy to tell where he is looking. He is awesome!

Joey and I were able to reconnect a couple of weeks ago right before Christmas.  My family (my husband and daughters) decided that in order to really connect with Joey we needed to get him away.  There are too many distractions around the family house and his group home, and there are usually many other things to do, which stop us from really spending quality time.  So, we rented a cabin a few hours north near the Canadian border.  It had a big fireplace and 3 large futon couches that converted to beds. It also had a large table, a small boombox and a kitchen and bathroom. Outside it was just us, a forest, and a lake.  It was the perfect getaway.

Now to be totally fair it was not very non-distracting.  It was a large simple cabin, but we had 5 people in it, including 2 toddlers.  The girls quickly decorated the place by taking out every piece of plastic kitchenware and setting it up on the many coffee tables (each futon had its own table).  They then "made food" for everyone and tried to feed Joey.  Joey isn't really into pretend food.  So when he didn't respond to my daughter's demands that he eat,  it was the perfect opportunity to teach my 3 year old about bonding with Uncle Joey by playing his games first.  We had fun doing the "Joey shuffle" and noticing how comforting it was to stand with our backs against the wall.   We even practiced what it would be like to not talk, and how would we get people to know what we wanted?

Joey loved the attention, but he really needed it to be on his own terms.  When we turned on the music and started to dance (one of Joey's favorite activities), he would dance with me, but not his nieces.  I taught my daughters that Uncle Joey needed time to get used to new ideas and that we could help him, by telling him what we were hoping would happen and giving him lots of time to respond.   I picked up my youngest (pictured above) and asked Joey if he would like to dance with her.  Joey quickly dropped my hands and backed himself up against the wall.  I told him that was totally okay by me, but we would be right here if he wanted to try.  We didn't move for a few moments, Joey came back to us of his own free will and started playing with my daughter's shoulder as he moved back and forth.  Joey was dancing with her!   I was so surprised as he continued to join in all of our activities all night long, as long as we gave him lots and lots of time to respond on his own.

I was also amazed at how often Joey initiated activities and getting his needs met, by coming up to me and taking my hand.  Joey is a slow mover and when I'm not working with Joey, I often had other things on my mind and didn't always take the time to see what he wanted.  On this night, I really was paying attention to Joey. When he would come to me, he would grab my hand or shoulder, but he wouldn't move right away.  I would ask him what he wanted, and wait.  Sometimes he would move right away, other times it took him minutes to respond, but I just waited.  Every single time he would eventually lead me to something: food, the bathroom, the music, the couches.   In the past Joey usually seemed okay to go with the flow, but this was the first time I had ever seen Joey really initiating interaction with me when we were not in a playroom.  It was amazing, and I wondered how often he is trying to communicate, but no one is listening.

As an autism play therapist, I have worked with hundreds and hundreds of children and adults with special needs.  I have seen the power of "the pause" before, but I don't think I ever really understood it until this past Christmas.  Every person has their own processing time, and some take much much longer than others.  If we can really be present with our children and happily wait until their brains and bodies are caught up, I wonder how many amazing things they can show us they are already capable of!

 I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and that 2013 will be an even more amazing year than the past one!
Best wishes,
Katrina